Official Biography

A rambunctious fop from the off, his mesmerising charisma and beguiling wit had a profound affect on those who came into contact with his pulchritudinous being. It also made him a hit with the ladies and a hero to most men. His attributes did not stay hidden from the masses for long, as producer Johnathan Powell, then head of drama at the bbc, cast the young rapscalion as Kurt Flame in the flagging edgy drama Erskine PA8. After only a few episodes O'Malley's prestigous acting abilities and his betwitching aura turned the show around and eventually led to a spin-off 14 Hopeman, a thought provoking drama following the ebullient life of Kurt Flame and friends as the struggled through the harsh realities of life in the notorius suburbs of Erskine. The show was an early precursor to the HBO smash series The Wire and is rated highly by many venerated scholars.

The show contnued for five seasons and O'Malley picked up a myriad of important awards including a Nobel prize for Peace. The award of the latter initially caused condemnation from many areas, particulaly Isreal becasue they are like that there. However, when series four of 14 Hopeman aired on Haarutz Ha-Rishon most of the petulant whinening stopped as the deriders recognised that O'Malley's performance in the epsiode where Flame inspired the community to victory in the Fireman's cup was worthy of the Peace prize.

In June 1991 O'Malley left the show in order to persue his dream of breeding lions and tigers. However, in a chance meeting with Kurt Cobain at really happening party O'Malley decided to put his prodigious guitar playing skills to good use and form the super group Dark Energy with Cobain, Lars Ulrich and Marcus Miller. While only recording one album, Chaos Usurps Neolithic Tyrants, the band achiveved four number ones in over hundred countries and saw their debut album go multi-plantinum and bring stability to the middle east for a short period of time. While O'Malley mainly focused on being really good at guitar he also provided vocals on the track Little Donkey.Together with the rock-star lifesyle of sex, drugs, excess, and more sex the death of bandmate and sycophant Cobain led O'Malley to re-evaluate his life and follow intellectual persuits.

His time out of the glare of the world's media proved ephemeral and after laying the ground work for the internet as we know it, O'Malley was coaxed into returning to the role of Kurt Flame by close friend and admirer Martin Scorsese. This time in the Palm D'or winning existential drama Park Mains. His reprisal of the role led to Time magazine suspending the human of the year award indefinetly. While presenting him with the best actor award at the Academny awards ceremony Robert Deniro broke down and wept before declaring that O'Malley was the best thing out. Ever. His next Oscar came for his perfomace in the Almodovar film The Electrician. A disturbing drama about a young man's struggle to deal with the incompetence of his peers. His body of work continued to grow in the new millenium with starring roles in the comedies Educating Stow and Easy Money, and the futuristic neo-noir fantasy Beyond the Tower. The two comedies were precursors to the much loved tv series the Mighty Boosch, Flight of the Concords, Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, East Bound and Down, and much of the jokes contained in the films where also re-hased in the Will Ferrel vehicles Anchorman and Step Brothers. Furthermore, on the set of Easy Money O'Malleyand fellow cast members created the now Olympic sport Block-Ball.

O'Malley won his third Academy award on the Christopher Nolan directed Beyond the Tower, where his performance as the chaotic detective also got him noticed in North Korea where he was given the key to the city of Pyongyang. The film itself is most notable for the comments made by David Edelstein, esteemed film cirtic for the New York Times, who commented that he had proof that Ridley Scott had tim-travelled backward in time and shot Blade Runner in the same style as Beyond the Tower.

During this time he also dated numerous supermodels including Laetitia Casta, Heidi Klum and Gisele Bundchen. He also had is merry way with Jessica Alba who referred to him as the greatest lover in history.

Despite untold riches, a yacht, women at his beck and call and a passon for Tanqueray, Stephen O'Malley currently resideds in a semi-detached house with his mother, where he cries himself to sleep.

Book 1: Factual guide to the imagination

Chapter 1: Tips on overcoming dragons

As far back as I can remember, and as recently as yesterday, a question that i have been commonly asked is “What is the best way to kill a dragon?”

Before answering such an excellent question I would like to take a time out and address a minor issue I have with such a query. While some may find this rather petty and pedantic I am keen to point out that the proper nomenclature for ending the life of majestical beasts is slay and not kill [O’Malley 1993].

Obviously there are many forms of dragons and certain methods appropriate for one may be entirely useless against another. This is especially true for elemental dragons, those who draw strength from the old elements Earth, Wind, Water, Fire, Holy and Dark [O’Malley 1984]; fighting a fire dragon with fire will have no effect. Unless you can properly identify dragons then i suggest you stay away from using magic to slay them. Instead, I will document techniques which can be used against any type of dragon.

EAR CHOPPING Most dragons have particularly sensitive ears and the loss of either ear can lead to drastic drops in strength levels and concentration. It has also been observed that in type 3 dragons like wyverns the loss of both ears leads to instant death.

STRIKE TO HEART The common technique used in man’s early attempts at slaying these enormous beasts of hatred was to puncture the heart by thrusting a spear into it directly. The problem that millions of people found is that a) dragon skin is tough, b) It’s pretty hard to find the heart. However, thanks to the tireless works of Zelezny a electro chemical war spear was developed, known as the Tonobogiri Yari, which can pierce dragon skin easily. Once the head has penetrated the skin it detaches and travels to the heart by following the rhythmic beating of the heart. Zelezny was said to be inspired by the song Shot through the heart by New Jersey natives Bon Jovi [Zelezny 1984].

HURRICANE THUNDER KICK The HTK is said to have the same power of 1000 ‘Little Boy’ bombs, except doesn’t cause widespread panic and death, just awe. A HTK to the solar plexus of a dragon will cause it to fold into the space time continuum and melt in the vacuum of nothingness. Details on how to deliver aforementioned blow are detailed in my 1999 book Breakthroughs in martial arts: The pain epidemic .[O’Malley 1999].

NUCLEAR ATTACK Hit it with a nuclear bomb. Fun from a distance. The fallout not so fun.

BY POISON As most of you may know dragons are immune to most poisons and those that do have an affect on them require extremely large doses. However, i know of a particular substance which has rather drastic consequences for even the toughest of dragons. To make the Dragon poison you will need the following ingredients

1 cup confectioners' sugar

25g Powdered Althaea officinalis extract

1/2 cup cold water

2 cups granulated sugar

1/2 cup light corn syrup

1/2 cup hot water (about 115F.)

1/4 teaspoon salt

2 large egg whites

1 teaspoon vanilla

Those of you with a keen eye will have noticed that these are the ingredients to make marshmallows. Yes, marshmallows are fatal to dragons. A recipe to make marshmallows can be found in O’Malley 2002 or found on the channel four website.

The tricky part is getting the dragon to ingest the fluffy cylinders of joy. Early pioneering work by the likes of Emil Hegle Svendsen and Sergey Novikov employed coating fair maidens in marshmallows and feeding them to dragons. However, as the eighties rolled along this method was deemed inappropriate and new and safer techniques were devised. In the late eighties while working at the Yelbegan Instiitute in Siberia I created TCMM, commonly known as Agent Pink, a unique marshmallow spray that could be used like a herbicide.

Spraying TCMM onto the tongues of dragons using a Super Soaker is a guaranteed success story.

[O’Malley 1984] O’Malley, Stephen. Documenting the world. Nature 280: 161-192.

[O’Malley 1993] O’Malley, Stephen. Voyages into the darkness. Proc. Roy. Soc. C 209:1 -23.

[O’Malley 1999] O’Malley, Stephen. Breakthroughs in martial arts: The pain epidemic. Cambridge University Press.

[O’Malley 2002] O’Malley, Stephen. Poltices and potions. Cambridge University Press.

[Zelezny 1984] Zelezny, Jan. Electro-chemical weapons of pain. Proc. Natl. Acad. Eng. 119: 57-72.